“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

~ Jeremiah 29:11

It is a comfort to me that although I have anxiously awaited a date for surgery, God has known all along when it would be. In fact, God knew that I needed this surgery before I was even aware that a tumor was growing, and He knows the final outcome as well.

God’s grace and omniscience remind me not to be anxious but to trust in Him that my story will unfold like a great adventure. Although there are sorrowful passages and a few nail-biters, those are the bits that pave the way to chapters that are joyful and maybe even laugh-out-loud funny! I know this: the book of my life will not be dull. And, the good part is that God has read the ending, but he’s not going to spoil it for me by letting me know how it concludes. I’ll have to savor it as it goes and take the good with the bad.

So, without peeking ahead, the chapter for this week of my life would be titled The Date. My surgery will be on April 6^th. As I jotted this down in my planner I came to the realization that April 6^th is not just any Friday, but Good Friday. I will be going under anesthesia the day that we remember Jesus’ sacrifice for us on the cross. (However, I hope that I will not be “under” for 3 days like our savior, but only a few short hours!)

Jokes aside, I do feel at peace now that I can prepare for that weekend. I feel the relief of an engaged woman who has set a date for her wedding. There is still a lot of preparation before then, but at the end of the day, there is some finality in knowing the date WILL come, and things will be forever different.

Thanks again for all your prayers and encouragement. Sometimes I think I can literally feel them supporting me like a cushion. Regarding this, I told a friend yesterday that I’m glad that others are praying for me because I find it slightly difficult to pray for myself. I feel that God should know that I want everything to go well. He does of course, but it is humbling for me to realize that sometimes God is like a parent who wants to hear His child ask and then leave the rest to Him.

So God, this is my prayer to you:

Thank you for your providence. I have a date for surgery in an excellent facility in Denver, and I have a capable surgeon who is willing and able to lay everything bare.

But, with these two things I need a third, I need YOU beside me on that operating table, and I need you behind the scalpel. Please give me peace as I sleep and guide the surgeon in her work. Give her wisdom and skill that only you can orchestrate.

Thank you for your loving care over all creation.

Please let this chapter in my life bring glory to you.

Again, I have to start out by expressing my gratitude to all of you who have prayed for me and have encouraged me in the last week or so. Many of you have called me, emailed me, or singled me out for a coffee date and I’m so appreciative of your thoughtfulness.

I continue to be amazed by the body of Christ and how beautiful it is when it all works together. All of you have different styles of encouragement and it is always just what I need! Some of you are quiet and reserved and just listen to me, others of you are more gregarious and forward and assure me “it’s all going to be fine,” and have given me the proverbial chuck under the chin. Many of you have had similar experiences with past surgeries or troubles conceiving and have had advice to share, and still others of you have offered your time and services to me by proposing to arrange meals for me or even to drive me to the hospital and stay with me. All of you have been lovely!

As of today, I still don’t have the surgery scheduled. It has been harder than I thought to get a quote on the cost of this surgery and even harder to catch the scheduling nurse in the office – it seems she may be on Spring Break! However, I continue to hope we can take care of it this month and I’m expecting a call from the hospital this week.

Interestingly, the most emotional component of this whole ordeal has been the financial side of it. I was surprised that I was brought to tears when I received the estimated bill. Nate and I are part of a Christian Health “Share” rather than a regular insurance provider. This means that we pay our bills up front and then submit them to the group to share the cost and receive reimbursement. I like the idea of sharing our bills with other Christians, but it does make for some additional stress. The cost of this surgery is more than I make in one year.

When I realized how much this would cost I was struck with feelings of shame and helplessness that I can’t quite explain. I knew that I was woefully in need of help, and whereas I had assurances beforehand from both Nate and I’s families that they would help us, I still felt that I was somehow unworthy of their contributions. I can only relate this feeling to something like the spiritual experience of my knowing I have sinned and that there is no way to pay for it. My bank account is not big enough. My funds would be inadequate even if I sold everything I owned. So, like I depend on my Father in Heaven to pay the debt of my sin, so I must depend on my earthly family to cover these costs. It is extremely humbling.

Lastly, I must thank my parents for their encouragement through words of scripture. This week they have culled numerous verses from the Bible that pertain to my situation.  But, perhaps most significant is a verse that was laid on both of my parents’ hearts separately, without prior discussion. It is from when Moses blessed the tribes of Israel. (Note: Had I been a boy, the name picked out for me was Benjamin.)

"About Benjamin he said:  "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders."  ~ Deut. 33:12 

My dad had two thoughts on this scripture. The first is that the place in between your shoulders is your head – your mind – so this reminds us that we are literally on God’s mind. Secondly, this congers up the sweet image of a child riding on their father's shoulders in complete safety. I like that.

First of all, thanks to all of you who have been there for Nate and I over the past several years. You’ve listened to us, encouraged us, and have prayed for us through a difficult season of desiring to grow our family, and coming up empty. This journey has definitely been better with you alongside us!

This update is to let you know a little bit more about what is going on with us, and especially with me, so far in the year 2012.

Many of you know that I have sought medical answers for solving the puzzle of my infertility. What started out with missed periods and erratic hormones has lead to numerous trips to Denver for blood tests, ultrasounds, and MRIs. What has been found is a fairly large tumor on my left ovary.

The good  news is that the doctor finally found something (the tumor) that is most likely the culprit for my ovulation problems, and this tumor is probably benign. The odds are in my favor because:

A) I'm young.

B) The labs I did to look for cancer markers came back within normal limits.

However, the bottom line is that this tumor needs to come out. It is interfering with the rest of my reproductive system and needs to be biopsied to make sure that it is not cancerous.

I definitely wasn’t planning on having a major surgery in my 27th year, but I am trying to stay positive about it. This was very difficult when I met with the surgeon and went over all the “what-ifs” of surgery. I know they are required to go over every possibility with  me before they put me under anesthesia (as I’m no longer able to make decisions at that point) but it is still scary to hear that if things look “bad” they could remove both of my ovaries or even do a complete hysterectomy—taking away any chance I have left of getting pregnant.

Here is what I do know (and Nate and I are clinging to this), we have a God  who is not a God of “what ifs,” he is the Healer and we choose to trust him with our lives, no matter what. That in mind, please pray that I would  continue to trust him fully, that the surgery would go well, and that this tumor is not cancer.

 

The LORD is my light and my salvation—
   whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
   of whom shall I be afraid?

-Psalm 27:1

My surgery is most likely later this month, so I will keep you posted!