Shout for Joy to the Lord, all the earth! ~ Psalm 100:1

As 2012 comes to a close I have to reflect on this year of miracles. This past spring I was having cancerous ovary removed from my body. This past summer I was somewhat discouraged because the surgery didn’t seem to have helped me in the way that I had hoped. This past fall I had to repent of my lack of faith when I found out that was pregnant! And this winter has concluded a breathless year with a whirlwind of preparing for this long awaited child.

After the events of this year I feel that I have to apologize for my lack of zeal in writing the continuing story. I’ve kept some of the most exciting developments off the page because I was too scared to believe that these chapters were real and that they would stick. I was hesitant to share the news of this pregnancy because I thought it was too good to be true. But, God is faithful in a little and he is faithful in a lot. He created this child and so far my pregnancy has been healthy and uneventful and I know he will continue to watch over me and her – yes “her!”

Now is the time to shout for joy and to proclaim that God is good! I would have never guessed that this particular story would describe my journey to having my first child, but it is true that all those years of waiting seem to have vanished in the twinkling of an eye. The hardship of having our hopes deferred has instead served to strengthen Nate and I as a couple and has increased our joy tenfold!

This Christmas we are thankful for God’s son Jesus, and thankful for our own little baby that is on the way. I also pray that I will be faithful in telling God’s story and all the great things he has done for me in 2013.

My sister-in-law lent me a book last month called “Hannah’s Hope” by Jennifer Saake. It was a great read. This book addresses the very real pain of trying to grow a family and coming up short – and weaves in the story of Hannah (mother of the prophet Samuel) and her long journey towards motherhood.

What I found especially interesting about this author was the fact that she does not distinguish between the different trials associated with growing a family. Pain is still pain and loss is still loss whether you’ve struggled with infertility, have miscarried, suffered an adoption loss, or had a still-born child.

I found this to be a valuable insight because it seems to be an easy thing to slip into a place where you believe that your pain is deeper than anyone else’s. “No one has hurt like I do. No one understands. No one has been through my unique situation.” It is a dark and painful place to be.

However, reading about or talking to people who have been through similar situations shakes us out of this dream world and offers a helping hand. “Wait, you’ve had thoughts like I’ve had? I thought I was the only one.”

This equality of pain that Saake talks about has the benefit of erasing the barriers between those with slightly different experiences. Sometimes we judge our pain to be unique and elevate it above those whose story is different.  For example, those who are infertile can be jealous of those who miscarry – “At least they know they can get pregnant.” And those who lose a baby may not see themselves on the same plane as those whose adoption falls through – “They didn’t really lose their baby in the same way. Mine is dead and theirs is still alive somewhere.”

Another common hang-up is judging people who go through these same experiences while in expectation of their second child – “They already have one. They should be happy with that. Some people have none.” But, as the author points out, most people profess that they would like to have kids (plural), not just one child, and it can be just as painful to work towards extending your family further and having no luck as it is to try for the very first time.

All in all, this book taught me that I’m not alone. Many women have been (and still are) in my place. The author herself went through not just one, but each of the experiences listed above…some of them several times! She had several miscarriages, at least one still birth, and a string of unsuccessful adoptions (some even orchestrated by scam artists.) She knows a lot about pain! And the message of her book does not conclude that “everything will be fine and you WILL have a child,” but instead encourages abiding in God’s plan. We can’t know what is ahead until we’re through it. We don’t know how our story will end. But God is good and He is faithful, and He has a history of opening wombs. Children are something near and dear to His heart and the Bible is plumb full of stories about women who waited many years until they were blessed with children.  So that is something.

On another note, Saake offers practical advice to those who want to come alongside their childless friends and be supportive. There is a portion at the end of each chapter called, Burden Bearers that describes helpful things to say (or NOT to say such as, “Just adopt!” or “Take one of mine! Kids are such a handful!”) I really enjoyed how frank and honest she was in these sections.

In closing, I highly recommend this book to anyone going through infertility and the associated grief – or if you have a friend going through it. Also, I should note that this author and her husband started a ministry 10 years ago called “Hannah’s Prayer Ministries” that offers resources and guidance to families struggling with fertility. Check out the link to the website below for more information.

www.hannah.org

Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will  not see clearly what is required of me now.

-Elisabeth Elliott

Two months since the surgery and time keeps moving on. I have struggled with a little bit of discouragement as I’m sure many people have post-surgery or post-anything-that-causes-upheaval-in-life! You know how your adrenalin gets pumping when you have to get through a difficult situation? Well, I think mine has depleted and drained out by now and has left me thinking, “well, what now God?” – a vague and somewhat unappreciative question, but luckily God still answers. He still speaks to my heart about being patient and puts verses and quotes in my path (like the one above) that remind me to leave the future to him.

Recently I was convicted by the thought that patience is not just a nice thing to have like politeness or manners. From a Christian point of view it is a fruit of the spirit and it has to be on the list for a reason. We may like the other ones better (love, joy, etc.) but patience is a virtue God wants us to cherish too. It reflects part of his nature. In fact, it reflects nature itself! Living in Wyoming has taught me that seasons don’t move quickly. Roads stay closed as snow takes it’s time to melt. Trees are very tentative about releasing their buds until they’re absolutely sure the last shocks of winter are over, and then when the time comes for those leaves to fall it doesn’t happen in one day either, they generally drift off one by one. I can’t imagine what would happen if I was in charge of nature! I’d have those trees zipped in and out of their foliage in the blink of an eye!

As I learn to be patient I also learn that our time on earth is fleeting and must be meaningful. I must take advantage of every day rather than waiting for a family and for my life to finally “start.” And nothing makes us appreciate life like death. My heart was touched recently by the beautiful life of my friend’s mother – Joy Ellis – whose time on earth came to an end on the 4^th of June. She battled cancer for many years and finally went home to be with the Lord.  She will be deeply missed. Selfishly I must note that she was such a blessing to me in my recent trials and was concerned about me and prayed for me and encouraged me even as her own chemo treatments were not working and she was heading down the path to hospice care.

Even in her death she was a great encouragement to me. Her funeral was beautiful, meaningful and glorifying to God. One of the last books she read was “Don’t waste your Cancer” by John Piper and a few excerpts were shared in her eulogy. Most impactful to me was the statement that “beating” cancer is not the goal, instead it is our prerogative to continue to cherish God no matter what. Joy may not have survived her cancer, but she did succeed in cherishing God. She cherished him until the end, never denied him, and was ultimately accepted into his loving arms in heaven.

Lastly, I must include a quote from Joy that is so simple, but has the possibility to be life changing. Her husband Philip told us a story about Joy in the kitchen recently – one of her favorite places! As Joy was ailing she decided to teach him how to make his favorite kind of cookie for after she was gone. He assembled the ingredients and she gave instructions from the couch. When it came time to add the vanilla she instructed him to add not one but two teaspoons. “But the recipe says one teaspoon,” Philip replied.

“Don’t be afraid to be generous,” said Joy.

It resonated with Philip and it resonates with me too. There is a lot of wisdom in a dying woman’s words – especially one who has lived a full and Godly life. I’m happy to hear that generosity was one of her final entreaties.

Lord help me to be generous with my patience!

In loving memory of Joy
Link to obituary

¹ Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
~Psalm 103:1-5

 Praise God who heals our diseases – diseases we don’t even know we have! I still feel very grateful that this ordeal is behind me. However, I’ll probably never get over how strange it sounds when I tell people that I’ve had a brush with cancer. The words sound extraordinary even to me. Usually there is this look of concern and alarm that comes over people’s faces and I have to explain, “No, this is actually a good thing, a great thing, a blessing in disguise. There is no chemo required and I’m just so happy they caught it!”

Now I think I understand more fully why the Israelites in days of old would set up markers in places where they wanted to remember something great that God did for them. Coming out of this trial has made me want to memorialize in a tangible way what God has done for me. I wear a necklace with a silver cancer-ribbon pendant around my neck to remind me, I want to be an advocate for cancer research either with my funds or with volunteer service, I want to be a friend to those who have suffered or are suffering a similar affliction, and at the very least I want to never gloss over this miracle or cheapen what God did in my life.

Happily, I have a specific date for this miracle that I’ll never forget. Easter weekend will always be a special time for me – bringing back good memories of a special God moment that played out just between him and me. When I think of the sacrifice of his Son I’ll remember one specific blot of sin that he died for that is about the size of a baseball. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe my sin caused a tumor to grow inside me, but I do believe that a world without sin wouldn’t have atrocities like cancer, so I’ll let Satan take the full credit for that tumor and I’ll believe that Jesus’ blood paid the price for everything – including that terrible little knot of disease that tried to get a foothold inside me.

As I let the memories of God’s goodness settle in my soul, I trust that I’ll be able to forget the pain of the past and I’ll look forward to the future with eager anticipation. I’ll fight that daily battle for hope for a family with the knowledge that God is good and that I can trust him and can wait for him. He has been remarkably good to me so far. I’m back on my feet and am doing extremely well for being just 4 weeks out of surgery. My wounds are mending, bruises are fading, and pain is a rarity. My doctor chalks this up to the attributes of youthfulness enabling me to bounce back quickly, but I want to give credit where credit is due and thank you all for your prayers and the one who answered them.

P.S. I’m including a link to an inspiring Ted talk about a woman who had a brain tumor...I think she describes the experience with so much grace.

http://www.ted.com/talks/stacey_kramer_the_best_gift_i_ever_survived.html

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thess. 5:16-18

My heart overflows with thanks as I write these words today: my surgery is in the past! It is behind me. It is done. The work of the surgeon is finished. Praise God it was a great success and I am on my way to a speedy recovery.  I'm so grateful to be back home, sleeping in my own bed, and getting better and better with each passing day. All thanks, glory, honor, and praise be unto Him who is our rock and our deliverer! I am a witness to the fact that He is real and active in our lives and that His ways are higher than our ways. Only He could have orchestrated this great restoration in my life. He has delivered me from a grave threat that was growing in my body that I wasn't even aware of. For those of you who have not heard, He has delivered me from cancer.

I am so thankful for all your prayers which comforted me and allayed my fears and wrapped me up like a warm blanket before my surgery. I gave very little thought to negative outcomes and I was certain that God would protect me.  In fact, I had it all planned out what my first blog entry would be after I came out of surgery. I almost wrote it ahead of time I was so confident of the outcome. I thought a simple Webster's Dictionary definition of the word "benign" would be a concise and fitting summary of the results of my surgery. Benign. No worries here. All is well and back to normal.  Instead I was quite surprised to hear afterwards (still groggy from anesthesia) that my left ovary was swollen to the size of a baseball - burgeoning with a granulosa tumor. Fortunately these kinds of tumors, while still malignant, are largely self-contained and aren't known to spread. My surgeon took the extra precaution of removing the adjoining fallopian tube, a lymph node, and a layer of fat that were all touching the cancerous ovary. They are being biopsied for further pathology results.

While all this sounds rather scary, I was assured that this is the "best" kind of cancer to have. It is extremely treatable, they got to it in time, removed all of it, and nothing further (such as chemo) is necessary.  So, I'm choosing to see this diagnosis as a great blessing! In fact, it is a key plot point in the story. It makes me think about the roads we wanted to take but didn't. You see, we didn't easily choose this road towards discovering the health reasons behind my infertility - we did have other options in mind. Last summer Nate and I seriously entertained an adoption prospect and we would have devoted all of our energy down that path if not for some road blocks God put in our way, and for friends who advised us to not give up on pursuing the answers for my health issues. Now the pain of that failed adoption has been put in perspective for me and I'm thankful that we took this path towards surgery. Even if this path doesn't lead to children for us, it is still great to be cancer-free!

All that to say, God is good, and I'll keep you updated with more information as I become aware of it, but for right now the score is, Me: One. Cancer: Zero.

Now, with full knowledge of God's providence in my life, I can concentrate my efforts on healing and recovery and the road ahead. I feel very blessed to be on the mend much sooner than expected. I only had to stay in the hospital for two nights, I spent an additional two nights in Denver with Nate's sister and brother-in-law (who have enough combined medical knowledge to put the most paranoid post-operative patient at ease) and am now back in Laramie. I have had this week off work, and have instead been under the strict rules of a new boss - Nate - who has demanded I squelch the inclination to do housework and to let the most important decisions of the day be limited to selecting which book to read on my kindle, or which movie to slip into the DVD player.

Nate has been really been a wonderful support and a great help to me, but I am still marveling at all the things I have to learn to do by myself again. I feel like a rapidly developing infant! The first few days I needed help to take my first trembling baby steps, then I needed help to bathe and put clothes on. Now I've progressed to braiding my own hair and picking out what I'd like to eat. Soon, I'll be ready for play dates and excursions to the park...

Kidding aside, I'm so thankful that things have gone so well and that everything has worked out for good purposes in the end.  Thanks so much to all of you have checked in on me, cared for me, and visited me in the hospital. I am also very appreciative of all of you who have provided meals for us this week. I think Nate could live on beer and Cheetos but it probably isn't the most healthy diet for him, so again, I thank you.

One last note: I can't wait to be able to enjoy a deep belly laugh again! That is one of the things that I'd really like to do but haven't been able to yet. I'd love to properly rejoice before my Father in Heaven, but the angels may have to take the lead in that department on my behalf for the time being. I hope they are dancing and singing with laughter and praise before the One who has been so good to me!

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.  ~ Isaiah 12:2

Nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few. ~1 Samuel 14:6b

I am simply overwhelmed by what God has done in only one month. One month ago I met with my surgeon for the first time and discussed my options. One month ago I realized the kind of healing that would need to take place to make things right. One month ago I started this blog. One month ago I was a different person altogether.

 Since that time I’ve been on such a roller coaster of humility, contrition, grace and blessing that I can hardly call myself the same person. I’ve had times of complete trust, faith, and hope in God, followed by spells of doubt and fear – but mostly the former thanks in large part to your generous prayers and support!

I’ve seen God move in so many ways. He has taught me that my friends and family are more than people that I can chat over a cup of tea with – they are the direct instruments of God’s love and mercy in my life.  While I’ve always known that each one of you is a jewel, I have gotten the chance to see you shine like diamonds through the kindness you have shown me. (I think only those who have been in the pit of despair can know the impact one kind word can have!) I have felt compassion in your touch, love in your speech, and loyal camaraderie in your notes of encouragement. I am so blessed by your three-fold sympathies in word, action, and deed.

After showing me the true value and preciousness of my friends, God has taught me that even my troubles with worldly finances bow to His discretion. What was of critical concern to me a few weeks ago has been soothed and quelled. Both of my parents (law and in-law) have so graciously written the checks that have served as the down-payment for the surgery. Further still, I have been encouraged to see Christian Healthcare Ministries (CHM) in action. We received a check in the mail last week reimbursing us for the abdominal MRI that I did back in January.  I was pleased beyond measure to see that this shared health plan with other Christians can actually work to meet our needs! People who have used it for years (such as my pastor) would probably be surprised at my enthusiasm that the system actually works, but I feel like someone using an ATM in a foreign country for the first time. You know that it should work in theory, but you’re grateful to see the bills safely in your hands all the same!

Amongst all these blessings I must get back to the dips and dives in the aforementioned roller coaster ride. In my emotional valleys I have seen an ugly side to myself. Some of my anxieties have gotten the better of me as the date for surgery draws near – only 3 days away now – both in my work and my home. While I have apologized in advance to Nate and Amy if I am on edge and apparently irritated by things that would not usually bother me, I have not extended this courtesy to my workmates. Usually I pride myself on having a good social intelligence that helps me know what to say and when, but I was surprised last week to find myself putting my foot in my mouth, hurting my co-workers feelings, and generally finding myself in all sorts of misunderstandings. Happily, God took this chance to humble me yet again and I was able to mend the damage by apologizing to my work friends. They were gracious and forgave me, but furthur still I’m thankful that God - who uses all things for good - has used my vulnerability with them to pave the way to a deeper relationship.

In closing, I continue to treasure your prayers and notes. Please don’t feel that I’m ignoring you if you’ve sent me letters or have left messages on my phone that have gone unanswered! If you’ve known me long you know that I usually love correspondence more than anything, but at this time I will probably defer returning my sentiments to you until this surgery is over.

Also, I know that many of you have asked what you can do for me and if you can come and visit me at the hospital. The short answers are, “I’m not sure” and “maybe” as I am unclear at the moment on my recovery time and what needs I’ll have. I will plan on keeping you updated either through this blog, Facebook, or Nate. To my knowledge I’ll be in the hospital from 2-4 days and may remain in Denver for a few days after that with my gracious sister-in-law who happens to be an excellent post-surgical nurse! When I return to Laramie I will alert my contact person who has agreed to arrange meals for me if I need them.

Thank you, thank you for all you’ve done and please continue to keep me in prayer in the next few days. I can hardly wait to return to joy as is written in Nehemiah 8:10 when the walls of Jerusalem were rebuilt and the scrolls of the Law were unfurled and read to the people who wept with contrite hearts:

¹⁰ Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”

While I cannot enjoy “choice foods” at this time as I’ll soon be starting a liquid diet to prepare for surgery, I’ll happily partake in the strength of God’s joy now! I’m so thankful it is always available to us.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

~ Jeremiah 29:11

It is a comfort to me that although I have anxiously awaited a date for surgery, God has known all along when it would be. In fact, God knew that I needed this surgery before I was even aware that a tumor was growing, and He knows the final outcome as well.

God’s grace and omniscience remind me not to be anxious but to trust in Him that my story will unfold like a great adventure. Although there are sorrowful passages and a few nail-biters, those are the bits that pave the way to chapters that are joyful and maybe even laugh-out-loud funny! I know this: the book of my life will not be dull. And, the good part is that God has read the ending, but he’s not going to spoil it for me by letting me know how it concludes. I’ll have to savor it as it goes and take the good with the bad.

So, without peeking ahead, the chapter for this week of my life would be titled The Date. My surgery will be on April 6^th. As I jotted this down in my planner I came to the realization that April 6^th is not just any Friday, but Good Friday. I will be going under anesthesia the day that we remember Jesus’ sacrifice for us on the cross. (However, I hope that I will not be “under” for 3 days like our savior, but only a few short hours!)

Jokes aside, I do feel at peace now that I can prepare for that weekend. I feel the relief of an engaged woman who has set a date for her wedding. There is still a lot of preparation before then, but at the end of the day, there is some finality in knowing the date WILL come, and things will be forever different.

Thanks again for all your prayers and encouragement. Sometimes I think I can literally feel them supporting me like a cushion. Regarding this, I told a friend yesterday that I’m glad that others are praying for me because I find it slightly difficult to pray for myself. I feel that God should know that I want everything to go well. He does of course, but it is humbling for me to realize that sometimes God is like a parent who wants to hear His child ask and then leave the rest to Him.

So God, this is my prayer to you:

Thank you for your providence. I have a date for surgery in an excellent facility in Denver, and I have a capable surgeon who is willing and able to lay everything bare.

But, with these two things I need a third, I need YOU beside me on that operating table, and I need you behind the scalpel. Please give me peace as I sleep and guide the surgeon in her work. Give her wisdom and skill that only you can orchestrate.

Thank you for your loving care over all creation.

Please let this chapter in my life bring glory to you.

Again, I have to start out by expressing my gratitude to all of you who have prayed for me and have encouraged me in the last week or so. Many of you have called me, emailed me, or singled me out for a coffee date and I’m so appreciative of your thoughtfulness.

I continue to be amazed by the body of Christ and how beautiful it is when it all works together. All of you have different styles of encouragement and it is always just what I need! Some of you are quiet and reserved and just listen to me, others of you are more gregarious and forward and assure me “it’s all going to be fine,” and have given me the proverbial chuck under the chin. Many of you have had similar experiences with past surgeries or troubles conceiving and have had advice to share, and still others of you have offered your time and services to me by proposing to arrange meals for me or even to drive me to the hospital and stay with me. All of you have been lovely!

As of today, I still don’t have the surgery scheduled. It has been harder than I thought to get a quote on the cost of this surgery and even harder to catch the scheduling nurse in the office – it seems she may be on Spring Break! However, I continue to hope we can take care of it this month and I’m expecting a call from the hospital this week.

Interestingly, the most emotional component of this whole ordeal has been the financial side of it. I was surprised that I was brought to tears when I received the estimated bill. Nate and I are part of a Christian Health “Share” rather than a regular insurance provider. This means that we pay our bills up front and then submit them to the group to share the cost and receive reimbursement. I like the idea of sharing our bills with other Christians, but it does make for some additional stress. The cost of this surgery is more than I make in one year.

When I realized how much this would cost I was struck with feelings of shame and helplessness that I can’t quite explain. I knew that I was woefully in need of help, and whereas I had assurances beforehand from both Nate and I’s families that they would help us, I still felt that I was somehow unworthy of their contributions. I can only relate this feeling to something like the spiritual experience of my knowing I have sinned and that there is no way to pay for it. My bank account is not big enough. My funds would be inadequate even if I sold everything I owned. So, like I depend on my Father in Heaven to pay the debt of my sin, so I must depend on my earthly family to cover these costs. It is extremely humbling.

Lastly, I must thank my parents for their encouragement through words of scripture. This week they have culled numerous verses from the Bible that pertain to my situation.  But, perhaps most significant is a verse that was laid on both of my parents’ hearts separately, without prior discussion. It is from when Moses blessed the tribes of Israel. (Note: Had I been a boy, the name picked out for me was Benjamin.)

"About Benjamin he said:  "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders."  ~ Deut. 33:12 

My dad had two thoughts on this scripture. The first is that the place in between your shoulders is your head – your mind – so this reminds us that we are literally on God’s mind. Secondly, this congers up the sweet image of a child riding on their father's shoulders in complete safety. I like that.

First of all, thanks to all of you who have been there for Nate and I over the past several years. You’ve listened to us, encouraged us, and have prayed for us through a difficult season of desiring to grow our family, and coming up empty. This journey has definitely been better with you alongside us!

This update is to let you know a little bit more about what is going on with us, and especially with me, so far in the year 2012.

Many of you know that I have sought medical answers for solving the puzzle of my infertility. What started out with missed periods and erratic hormones has lead to numerous trips to Denver for blood tests, ultrasounds, and MRIs. What has been found is a fairly large tumor on my left ovary.

The good  news is that the doctor finally found something (the tumor) that is most likely the culprit for my ovulation problems, and this tumor is probably benign. The odds are in my favor because:

A) I'm young.

B) The labs I did to look for cancer markers came back within normal limits.

However, the bottom line is that this tumor needs to come out. It is interfering with the rest of my reproductive system and needs to be biopsied to make sure that it is not cancerous.

I definitely wasn’t planning on having a major surgery in my 27th year, but I am trying to stay positive about it. This was very difficult when I met with the surgeon and went over all the “what-ifs” of surgery. I know they are required to go over every possibility with  me before they put me under anesthesia (as I’m no longer able to make decisions at that point) but it is still scary to hear that if things look “bad” they could remove both of my ovaries or even do a complete hysterectomy—taking away any chance I have left of getting pregnant.

Here is what I do know (and Nate and I are clinging to this), we have a God  who is not a God of “what ifs,” he is the Healer and we choose to trust him with our lives, no matter what. That in mind, please pray that I would  continue to trust him fully, that the surgery would go well, and that this tumor is not cancer.

 

The LORD is my light and my salvation—
   whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
   of whom shall I be afraid?

-Psalm 27:1

My surgery is most likely later this month, so I will keep you posted!